Careful what you wish for:

This is one of those FML adventuring tales that can happen to just about anyone depending on who your Dungeon Master is. In this story a group of adventurers (From a friend’s gaming group) went in to slay a dragon and steal it’s hoard. After a long successful battle everyone was quite tired. But they saw no more imediate threats so they decided to go through the treasure before they rested. One party member picked up a nice gemmed sword and while he was holding this sword he decided to exclaim in game “Gee, I wish we could do this again!” I mean who wouldn’t want to do it again? You get treasure! Lots and Lots of cool treasure and dragon slaying bragging rights!

Problem is after the DM rolled percentile dice to see what the item was that particular character was holding it turned out he had a Sword with a gem of wishes on it. “Gee…I wish I could do that again!” All of a sudden the dead dragon gets up as a Dracolich…guess what? They get to do THAT again! And as all the party members curse and throw dice at the idiot who said the “W” word they all died a horrible death because they were ill equiped to do it again!

Careful when you say the “W” word.

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Epic Adventure: Off to the Farm

I got to go on an adventure at a farm over the weekend. I have been here before but it was at Christmas time so I did not get to go outside (I am plastic, Christmas was cold, I probably would have snapped a wing or something). But It’s spring now so I joined master in a trip to the family farm.

No farm is complete without chickens roaming around. Of course this farm is an equestrian farm but with so many acres you need chickens! Oh how I would LOVE to just roast one right now and…okay, okay sorry I won’t harm the chickens. There are 5 roosters and about 6 o 7 hens. It gets pretty loud because the roosters fight a lot. Infact I witnessed the dominant rooster kicking another rooster. I’ve never seen a rooster punt another rooster from behind.

The farm boasts of an indoor arena, a barn, lush feilds and lots of horses. Here is me with Irish, he is a pony and he is boarded here by the same owners who own the horse that Master showed durring a horse show. Irish isn’t as tempermental as the thoroughbred that literally Pawned master so she’s thinking of perhaps showing the pony next horse show.

I got to ride a horse while on the farm. Come on! Plastic Dragon Plastic Horse! Makes sence to me!

Here is me with Buddy the Aussie/Spaniel. Buddy keeps coyotees at bay and guards the chickens. He’s also a friendly lil guy.

The farm boasts of an indoor pool. The pool was open all winter so the kids could enjoy it all year round. It got plenty of use too.

While at the farm I decided to weigh in. See I weigh 3lbs. Just like my box says I do.

The farm experience is not complete without a real bon fire. Funny story, as they were building the bon fire to light in the evening, Master’s father in law tossed a cigarette in the bon fire pit. It takes talent to ignite a fire with a ciggy butt. But he managed and the fire went up nicely at 4 in the afternoon. So we had to change plans and bring the food to the fire. It was a fun experience. I also really LOVE fire!

I got plenty of attention from Master’s little 6 year old sister. She admired me, I felt special.

And no bon fire is complete without marshmallows. Roasting mallows, om nom nom! We roasted marshmallows after devouring Burgers and Steak. The steak was so good Master devoured hers in seconds and she’s not the biggest meat eater. Medium rare all the way. We all gathered around the fire, had some mallows and enjoyed watching stuff burn. Good times. AND nobody got hurt.
The farm was fun. It was a great day out. No bugs and plenty of sun shine. Oh and someone fell through a chair too…it ain’t a family event unless someone breaks a chair and gets stuck. Too bad we didn’t have the camera ready >< But all in all, great epic adventure.

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Lecturing the Dog:

No matter how smart a dog is, they understand only a few commands. Sit, Stay, Golaydown, come, no, good dog, walk, outside, treat, cookie, paw, scram etc. Our dog might understand maybe 30 words…especially the word “Outside” Outside is her favorite word. She understands two sentences “Go get Loki!” “Go get Spike!” Because when the cats are getting into the trash or meowing all night it’s good to have a dog that will willingly chase the cats into hiding.

Now we have a room mate, he’s rather annoying. He rents a room from us so it’s basically shared accommodation, he has full use of the dishes, towels, toilet paper etc. WE kind of wish he’d chose to use the dish soap and maybe clean a few dishes but that never happens. He’s on disability for a mental disorder (He has mild Aspergers and gets migraines when he has to work). So he’s not only NOT working he sits on his butt virtually all day. However he’s nice enough to drive us places so I won’t bitch about him that much.

One of the funniest things Lazy Room mate has done is LECTURE the dog. Yes our German Shepard is hyper active, she likes to bug anyone in the kitchen, she pounces people when they walk in but eventually she calms down and she’s a great dog. But every time Room Mate exits his room the dog bugs him. The other day Room Mate gave the dog a talking to. And not the usual pet owner bitch and complain where you know the pet doesn’t understand but it makes you feel better…Nooo he full out LECTURED the dog. “How many times have I told you not to bug me!? How many Times have I told you NOT to jump up on me! Go Lie Down! NO! Are you listening to me?” *Grabs dogs maw “DO you understand me? Do you? I’ve told you not to bug me when I’m in the kitchen I don’t want to repeat myself!”

This is when Master walks in and mentions that the Dog does not understand him. Room Mate then proceeds to tell Master that it’s not the words but the tone. Master informs him “Yeah well, she doesn’t listen to Bitch. I’ve tried, Bitch talk makes her worse.” Room Mate walks off in a huff and when he goes and gets master’s Husband from work he bitches about master’s attitude problem. Master’s Husband gets home and says “I hear you were having an attitude problem today?” Master Rolls her eyes and proceeds to tell the whole story about the dog being lectured and NOT 5 minutes later the Room Mate was in the kitchen Lecturing the dog in a very bitchy tone again. Point proven.

Don’t lecture your pets unless your doing it to make yourself feel better. In all honesty they have no clue what the hell you are saying.

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Zombie Appocalypse Action Plan: The Conservatives have it!

My biggest concern during the Canadian Elections is of course which party Leader is best equiped with a Zombie action plan should the impending Zombie appocalypse occur. I did my research and have discovered that Mr. Stephen Harper has a zombie plan. While he may not admit it (people can get thrown in the loony bin over admitting they have a zombie plan) his actions have proven to all of Canada that he is not only well prepared but he is trying to get Canada prepared as well.

The G20 Summit: Was the highly expensive Fortifications there to protect Country leaders or was it a test run for the zombie wave? Harper not only put a wall around Toronto he had many police officers and Troops on site just incase a protester scaled the big fence. If say there was a zombie invasion it would be crucial to have a highly fortified area where you could keep Zombies and the infected out. However, there may be a hidden agenda here. EVERYONE knows better than to head for the fortified area in a city! Only people without Zombie knowledge run for sanctuary in a city fortified zone. Have you not seen the movies? NEVER GO TO THE “SAFE” ZONE! It’s NEVER safe. Harper’s G20 wall is likely a Decoy to trap stupid people. Two birds with one stone, keep the zombies near one place and send all the idiots there as well.

Scrapping the Gun registry: What’s keeping everyone from hoarding ammo and guns JUST INCASE? Well the Gun registry of course. One of the key peices of equipment for survival is the gun. If the appocalypse starts you are going to want a gun so you can shoot zombies as you try to escape the city and head for higher ground. Guns are essential for the looting process as well. You never know when a Zombie is lurking about, so it’s good to be prepared.

Riding on and ATV, attending Karate classes, riding a fire truck, Proposing a fitness tax credit? Yes encourage Canadians to learn how to drive an ATV. Yes encourage Canadians to be fit because it’s the fit who can outrun zombies. Didn’t you watch Zombieland? That’s a huge rule! CARDIO and Lumbering up! The lazy and the fat die first. As for the Fire truck, well learn how to use one of them too because if you ever need to get a whole wack of undead in one place a Fire Truck Siren will do the trick. Zombies like noise. They will go to the noise. This will allow you to act out on either a rescue mission OR a slaying mission. If your going to use explosives make sure to have lots of undead to use it on right? ATV’s are great too if tou need a quick get away. Remeber the roads will be trashed so driving a car is not ideal. See, our PM cares! When the appocalypse happens he wants Canadians to be prepared!

So hats off to Harper for his secret Zombie Action plan. Conservatives: keeping Canadians safe from brain eaters.

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20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity:

1.  At lunch time sit in your car with Sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In”

5. Put decaf into the coffee machine for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addiction switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks write “For Sexual Favours.”

7. Finnish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”

8. Don’t use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet water every time you go out to eat somewhere-with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive thru order is “To Go”

12. Sing along at an opera

13.Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical music all day.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends that you can’t attend their party because you are not in the mood.

16. Have your co workers refer to you by your wrestling name “Rock Bottom.”

17. When money comes out of the AM yell “I WON I WON!”

18. When leaving the zoo start running out the exit screamin “They’re loose!”

19. Tell your children over dinner “Due to the economy, we are letting one of you go.”

20. At Walmart place a talking Dora the Explorer toy on the floor, when someone goes to pick it up yell “SWIPER NO SWIPING!”

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Epic Adventures: The Norwood Park

Here is my first epic adventure that I am about to blog about. I did not go anywhere cool nor epic but I managed to get a few Epic photos, mainly embarassing ones of Master @gnomedruid. But Anyway, I got taken to the local park (It’s honestly a really crappy park but there’s going to be a new park in June so who gives a Dragon’s ass?).

So here I am in my first class seat in a cart, Minion is right beside me making her epic silly face. The Red Car approaching is one of Master’s Friends @WraithLover (Sammie) so Master immediately asked Sammie to come out and play. Hey Why not? It’s a nice sunny day out unlike the west and East coasts of Canada where it’s either raining or snowing. Gotta love Ontario.

Sammie comes running out with her signed copy of the new “Art Of Dying” CD. The CD was given to her by Cale Gontier’s Father who happens to live in Norwood. Cale is the bass player and the band is pretty awesome. If you have not heard of them I recommend Checking them out.

One of the nice things about the local park is that there is a nice river running through it. This isn’t so nice for parents with small children though as the river gives them a migraine. There is nothing worse than a park surrounded by a busy road and a river. Minion has slipped and fallen into the river once, but it was shallow and she got all muddy, none the less it still wasn’t good. BUT it’s still purdy!

Here we go!!! Down the slide with Minion. She kept her helmet on, maybe it’s safer that way. She did flip over the swing about twice and didn’t end up with a booboo on her head. I’m sure master’s overprotective paranoid mom would approve. “Look Grandma! I’m Safe!” “You forgot to put on knee and Elbow pads!”

I rode the yellow Twitter Fail Whale!

Master rode the purple faulty fail whale.And well…Failed.

Then we all rode the spinny thingie. Love small towns, they have yet to outlaw the spinny thingies. In the city most park equipment such as large swing sets, Teeter-Totters, trees that can be climbed etc have been banned due to the fact a child can get injured! Paranoid much? What’s childhood without a little risk of injury? I won’t be surprised if they put park equipment into padded rooms in the future.

And last but not least, to complete the small town experience it is not uncommon to see Tractors driving down any road at any given time. Why I remember the big Traffic jam of 2009 when there were like 6 cars trapped behind a slow tractor. The only other time there is any hint of a rush hour is when Sunday Night Bingo at the Legion lets out or Sunday afternoon in the summer when Cottagers all decide to head home at the EXACT same time.

So that concludes today’s epic adventure at a really crappy park. But hey, the park equipment was dangerous so naturally Minion had a blast. (I think Master had a wee bit too much fun as well, just saying.)

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The Shake Weight

This is by far the funniest video EVER! Now, I don’t know who actually purchased a Shake Weight but it is the dirtiest thing I have ever seen. Why? People are gutter minded and when you use the Shake Weight it looks like you are jacking off a male body part. Did Sue Johanssen invent the Shake Weight? Is it really a device used to strengthen Arms so that arms can effectively do their work at you know what? Is there really a way to make it look not dirty? No, and the chick in the above video totally proves that point.

If they want to sell more Shake Weights they should have had that Vince guy from the Sham wow and Slap Chop infomercials market it. I’ll buy anything that lunatic markets just because it’s epic. It would be EPIC to see Vince use a shake weight. Sham Wow by the way BEST PAPER TOWEL EVAR! Yeah Sham wow doesn’t do EVERYTHING as promised but it seriously does make great reusable paper towel, no lies.

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